I have a family, why am I lonely?

I have a good life, a loving family, and great friends. So why do I feel so lonely?

It was a quick exchange over lunch with a coworker, a casual ‘Hey, I forgot I had a lunch meeting – are you ok if I stand you up?’ But as I watched the coworker disappear, I finally labeled the feeling that had been growing for six months:

I am experiencing Male Loneliness. 

This moment combined with months of introspection and journaling led me to three key reasons why I was experiencing Male Loneliness.

Reason #1: What the Research Says on Loneliness

First, my personality might contribute. A study by PMC on loneliness during the pandemic identified traits commonly associated with male loneliness.

• Neuroticism: A personality trait characterized by a tendency to experience negative emotions like anxiety, worry, and sadness.

• Perfectionism: A personality trait characterized by setting extremely high standards, and being overly critical of oneself.

View the full study here: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8692260/

Both of these traits showed positive correlations. (β range = 0.19–0.43) This isn't to say it solves anything, but it offers a bit of self-understanding: "Hello self, I might just be a bit more prone to loneliness – don’t be so alarmed. I’ll get through this."

The more unsettling personal question that arose was: “What if I’m not fun to be around?” While that's a valid self-check, it doesn't need to be the primary fear. If I got married I have at least something going for me right?

The same PMC study also highlighted two even stronger correlations to loneliness: (β range = 0.26–0.48)

• Poor environmental mastery: This refers to individuals who struggle to manage stress and their environment effectively.

• Depression: A particularly challenging factor, as it can create a spiraling cycle of loneliness.

It's also worth noting the broader trend: A 2021 survey from the U.S. Census Bureau revealed a steep increase in males reporting "no close friends." From 3% in 1990 to 15% in 2021 – that's a significant shift.

View the full survey here: https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

But for me – I do have some great friends! I have a supportive wife and family that brings so much meaning! I have people I am excited to see at work. So there had to be something more specific to my situation...

Reason #2: Loneliness Expectations

I feel an unusual pressure to make money and be super successful, and I know I’m not alone in that. Beyond my own career aspirations, as a dad, there are clear expectations about how I use my time: 

• Be present with your family. 

• Work hard to provide.

This pressure to both provide and spend time with my family undoubtedly molds me into a better man. However, I'm realizing that if I'm feeling horribly lonely, it’s because my expectations for both friendship and myself might be too high.

What does friendship even look like in your 30s as a family man? This is something I haven’t solved, and deep friendship is not something that comes easy.

I even tried a solution: three to four months into this feeling, I started having lunch with my brothers every other week. But the result left me feeling just as lonely, which completely baffled me. Shouldn’t quality time with family be a source of relief?

Reason #3: Divergent Paths

Months later, I think I got a handle on why that didn’t solve the problem. The loneliness I was experiencing wasn't because I didn’t have people in my life; it was because the people in my life weren't going in the same direction. My brothers were on their own paths. My friends were chasing different dreams. My coworkers were all 10-20 years older than me and approaching their careers differently.

Choosing to have kids means choosing to let my journey be influenced by family priorities rather than just selfish ones. And I have to recognize that if my goal is upward growth and providing for my family, there WILL be periods of loneliness because we all grow at our own pace.

But just like on the highway – occasionally I line up with someone coming up the on ramp. If life is a road trip, I will drive out of my way to see old friends and I will watch people I know take different exits. But most importantly I'll be sure to appreciate the next time I align with people on the same path to being a great husband, father, and more. And at the end of the day, I’ve chosen to have a family, which means I’ve got a couple people in the car with me, right? Thank goodness for that.

When Did I NOT Feel Lonely This Year?

I made this video 6 months into feeling lonely, but now that I am a few months removed I wanted to reflect on some of the solutions to male loneliness. While each of these instances didn’t completely solve the problem, I learned a lot from seeing what kept the loneliness from overtaking my life:

• Connecting with someone much older: I was lucky to spend time with a 100-year-old man about once a week. His friendship was invaluable. He was an incredible artist, pilot, and ex-history professor who inspires me to get out and see the world. I learned that many lonely people need friendship as much as I need theirs.

• Unexpected service: I had a religious leader call me to coach a church ball team every Thursday night. It gave me something consistent to look forward to each week and a sense of purpose.

• Maintaining long-distance friendships: Calls with close friends always left me feeling energized. I'm grateful for the friends in other states who routinely reached out.

• Presence with my son: Time spent with my son brings me out of my head and 100% into the present. He often brings a pure joy into my life that can completely shift my outlook.

• Shared temporary experiences: Time spent commuting on a train, meeting new people, and playing games with a bunch of O-chem students felt unifying. We all had nowhere else to be, and while the commute itself might contribute to loneliness, the genuine human connection was extremely refreshing compared to our screen-siloed reality.